Giving Inner Peace to the Made Ultra-Safe Generation
The Safety Trap: Why “Protecting” Kids Isn’t Making Them Feel Safe Inside
A location-tracking app’s Super Bowl ad depicted parents crushed by a fridge, who are relieved to learn—via a message on their phones—that their child is safe. This portrayal symbolizes how far we have come as a society. Parents living in a constant state of anxiety, seeking reassurance that “their children are okay.” Are fear and anxiety the driving forces in parental lives, only alleviated by constant confirmation of their children’s safety? What are we missing?
Hypervigilance and constant worries about our children’s safety may consume us, yet they do not truly benefit our children. Physical safety alone does not cultivate what children need most: a genuine sense of security. Building that sense of security requires more than simply surrounding them with a protective bubble. What we perceive as safety is not necessarily what they seek or need.
Seeking inner peace
When children do not feel safe and secure, they expend energy trying to protect themselves from unknown dangers. Young children may become guarded, worried about disapproval and sudden changes, and remain constantly on alert, even when nothing is wrong. Later in life, as adolescents, they may internalize this insecurity, which can affect their self-esteem and how they relate to others. At any age, children without a sense of inner peace will be distracted from learning or connecting with others, as they shift into a state of vigilance and short-term survival mode.
Children who have developed a sense of inner safety are calmer, more confident, and emotionally stable. They possess the confidence and trust needed to explore the world around them and build new relationships.
Many events and situations can derail a child’s path to finding inner peace. While traumatic events—such as the death of a loved one or a significant change in their environment—can temporarily disrupt a child, that same inner peace, an innate sense of security, is fundamental to building resilience and helping them navigate difficult times. Regardless of what life holds for our children, parents and educators possess the essential tools and relationships needed to cultivate a reservoir of inner peace.
At any age, a child’s inner peace is established when three fundamental questions are answered affirmatively: Can I rely on others? Am I worthy of care? Is the world predictable enough for me to feel secure? These questions may take different forms at various stages of development, but they always relate to these core elements. Each developmental phase requires different tools. This first post on inner peace will focus on young children.
Building Inner Peace with Young Children
One of the simplest ways to foster predictability with young children is to establish routines and build trust. Creating a consistent rhythm for a young child’s day ensures predictability in their daily, weekly, and even seasonal activities. Rhythms involve sequencing events in a predictable order that a child will recognize. For example, we play, then have a snack, and then listen to a story. After a few iterations, the child recognizes the pattern and is no longer surprised by what happens next. Before children can develop self-control, it is up to adults to create a world that appears controlled to them, allowing them to relax.
Building predictability is evident in many activities. Children enjoy hearing the same stories repeatedly, even before they outgrow them. It is not that they forget the plot or the characters; rather, they remember them well. At the climax of the story, when the villain threatens the hero, the child knows what comes next: a happy resolution. They experience a sense of control over the events because they can anticipate what will happen. Even in storytelling, the world can become more predictable.
Even the best-laid plans can encounter moments of unpredictability, such as a sudden change in the weather bringing thunder, a bellyache interrupting play, or a friend who doesn’t want to join in. Children need to rely on loving relationships with a parent or caregiver, as they are the ultimate source of comfort.
The relationships that foster a child’s sense of inner security are those with emotionally available adults who provide consistency and unconditional love. We should not feel guilty if we are not perfect parents. What truly matters—and what children recognize—is our genuine effort. Young children need us to be present; by doing so, we show them they can rely on us and that they are worthy of care.
Being emotionally available means being an active listener. When we signal to a child that we are truly listening, we give them our full attention. In these moments, distractions like phones should be set aside.
Building trust with a child is not fundamentally different from building trust with an adult; it simply occurs on a smaller scale. Trust is built when we consistently follow through on our promises. For example, if a politician promises to lower taxes but instead raises them, they will lose our trust. The same principle applies to children.
Our adult lives can be hectic. We often plan to engage in one activity but then receive a message on our phone and decide to do something else—such as responding to a text—before attending to our original plan. To a child, this may seem random and could lead them to question whether we are truly available to them.
Knowing that there is someone in the world who cares about them, does not judge them, and is emotionally available is perhaps one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child. It creates a place of mental safety that they will carry into adolescence and adulthood.
Once children start school, numbers and grades can begin to affect relationships. These metrics create focus and urgency, but they should not define a child. I have heard parents say, “This child is a straight-A student in math.” Although this label is intended as a compliment, it can actually limit a child, especially when it comes from their own parents.
Among the many variables that can be used to describe or evaluate a child, grades represent only a small fraction. When misused, grades can become a measure of worth rather than an indicator of potential. For example, when a child begins to label themselves as “good (or bad) in math,” they embark on a precarious path. A student who considers themselves “bad in math” may give up trying, fearing that they are undeserving of care and support. Conversely, a student who sees themselves as “good in math” and believes this label defines their value, or that their parents value them more because of it, may feel unseen and unappreciated for their true self.
Schools rarely measure creativity, resilience, or social intelligence. Yet these skills may be more important and can be learned and developed. This is not to say that grades and measurements should be ignored; they are temporary indicators of past performance, not personality traits. We need to recognize them for what they truly are.
Talking About the World
As adults, we each have our own perspectives on the world. Some see it as a place of opportunity and discovery, while others view it as dangerous and requiring constant vigilance. Should we fully explain the world to a young child? If we want to build inner peace and security, we cannot overwhelm a young child—who primarily focuses on their immediate surroundings—with complex adult explanations. While we understand how close a war zone might be and how wars start and stop, a child does not.
If you were a child, you probably would not want to think that you have landed in a terrible, hopeless world. To foster inner peace, and since children have very little power over the state of the world, it is best to limit our discussions to their immediate surroundings and make that environment predictable. Exposing them to the terrible, distant events that adults are aware of does not benefit them. Even if you live in a war zone, children deserve to know that we will take care of them and reassure them that things can improve. Before reaching adolescence, they cannot comprehend the complex human or technological processes we are navigating. Terrible events beyond their control and those of their caretakers do not help them build the inner peace they will need when, later, they might be involved in similar events. However, they can trust that adults are working to make things better. In the most challenging times, we need to find joy in simple pleasures with our children.
Approaching Adolescence
As children approach middle school, their sense of security begins to shift. Until then, their relationship with their parents was paramount. Gradually, children at this age start to focus more on their peers. While they have hopefully experienced unconditional love from their parents, peer relationships are based on different dynamics. They begin to forge and question their identity and social standing among their peers.
Seeking help is no longer as simple as asking a loving and caring parent. Approaching a friend or an adult for assistance can feel embarrassing or intimidating. While parents may not have all the answers, they can collaborate with teachers to encourage their children to develop the habit of seeking help from others. One effective exercise is to have children visit their grandparents or relatives and ask simple questions, such as, “Tell me about the work you did in your life and how you decided to pursue it.” This approach helps children realize that they can ask questions and receive answers, fostering the habit of seeking help.
They need to start building a support network beyond their parents. This is why, in a previous post, I discussed the risks of Artificial Intelligence bots that assist with homework. The bot itself is not inherently bad; the risk lies in children missing opportunities to learn how to ask a friend, a teacher, or a knowledgeable adult for help.
The Unmistakable Sense of Inner Peace Fosters Resilience
We all make mistakes, and children do too. A few years ago, I observed two girls working on math homework. Each made a mistake. The first girl looked very distressed. She hit her head with her palm and exclaimed, “I am so dumb!” It took a teacher’s intervention to help her refocus and correct the exercise. She defined herself by the results of her work, lacking a sense of her inherent value regardless of the outcome of a math problem.
Sitting next to her, the second student smiled at her mistake when she discovered it and said, “Oopsie Daisy! Let’s do that again!” How we model our mistakes as adults and how we help students feel about their own errors are crucial in fostering the inner peace that allowed the second student to progress faster than the first. While we cannot directly observe a child’s inner peace, events like this reveal their state of mind. The second student seemed to have found some inner peace; she did not struggle with her inner world.
The benefit of developing inner stability and security is resilience—the ability to adapt and self-regulate in the face of adversity. Later, when the second student was 16 and began posting her artwork on social media, someone asked her how she felt about the likes, or lack thereof, that she sometimes received. “It’s just another number!” she replied, detached from what often evokes strong emotions in teenagers. “I draw because I enjoy it. I post so that it can benefit someone. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t.”
As children reach adolescence, they become better equipped to think abstractly. Their relationships with themselves and others evolve, often accompanied by inner turmoil. The peace discovered in early childhood serves as a foundation for further growth. The role of the adult also changes during this time.
How we can best support teenagers in maintaining their inner peace requires a different type of assistance, which we will explore in another post.